I went to work today and missed this little nugget, despite him pushing me to my wits end yesterday. And coming home today has been much of the same. I swear it feels like he only cries with me, and after a long day at work I feel even worse. I basically have to hold him or he’s crying. If I sit down he cries, if I put him down he cries. Go pee, ha! Maybe we’re teething???
After venting slightly over on Instagram, I had the sweetest message from @mrsgarzelloni (thankful to all the mamas who encourage me!) with an article from Mother.ly and it literally said exactly what I was feeling.
“There may be days when you think, I can’t do this.
Days when you don’t feel good enough, when you look around and feel inferior to every other parent on the planet. Times, maybe, when you feel like a failure, when your eyes search your baby’s face desperately for approval but none is forthcoming. Sometimes you may suspect that perhaps your baby doesn’t even like you, that their preference is for anyone else who comes into their orbit—however brief or tenuous that connection might be. There may be days when you wonder, Will it ever get easier?”
And truthfully I feel guilty for having thoughts like those because I know so many out there who would give anything for a baby, even in those fussy and tough moments. I was that person last year.
And then I read the last paragraph.
“But every day you will feel the love. The pure, infinite, limitless love which beats in you like another organ. The love that is embedded in you, attached to your soul, which can never be removed, no matter what. The love that is now part of your identity, the relentless, all-encompassing love that you have for your child.”
And now he is asleep in my arms and all that stress suddenly disappeared. Yet I know it will reappear the minute he wakes up crying.
Motherhood is hard. It’s a weird balance. The guilt is so real. I just keep telling myself I can still love my child and be irritated, I’m still a good mom even if I need a break. One day at a time, just one day at a time.
I’m thinking I may do a mama Monday post each week. It will be good for my soul 🙂